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Fri 27 Jul 2007

Sarah's Story

Category :

Confusional Arousals/Severe Morning Sleep Inertia

(autobiography of severe morning Sleep Inertia by ambien cr pic 1998)

[An excerpted version of this autobiography is contained in my second book, iSleep: The Mysteries, The Problems, and The Solutionsipublished in March 2007 by Penguin/Avery Press. Also, my first book iParadox Losti contains many examples of Confusional Arousals and Morning Sleep Inertia]

Rage On Ambien sale : With Sleep

The Extreme Urge To Stay Asleep

iMy Bed Was Like A Drugi

iI Had At One Time 6 Alarm Clocks In My Roomi

iIt Was Like Telling A Fish To Jump On Land And Sit Stilli

iIf I Would Have Had Any Other Set Of Parents I Would Have For Sure Been An Abused Childi

iI Bet There Isn't A Person In This World That Has Had Their Name Said As Many Times As I Havei

iOne Day I Woke Up To Find The Hamster Eating Marshmellows, Bologna, And Popciclesi

iI Never Would Have Guessed In My Wildest Dreams That My ambien cr pic Would Change Just By Opening the Yellow Pages And Looking Up The Word eSleepii

TODAY I LIVE A NORMAL LIFE

I AM ABLE TO WAKE UP FOR MY KIDS IF THEY HAVE A BAD DREAM

I AM ABLE TO GET TO WORK ON TIME

I ambien cr pic A NORMAL PERSON AT LAST

CHILDHOODoENDLESS ATTEMPTS AT WAKING UP

As a young child, ambien cr pic remember once waking up Ambien sale - so terrified that nothing could make Ambien sale, me feel safe, not even ambien sale parents who were trying so hard to comfort me. My whole body was shaking and thrashing. I remember my mom yelling for my dad to get a wash cloth to put between my teeth so I wouldn't bite off my tongue. They couldn't get me fully awake, no matter what they tried. I only remember this one instance. My mom said this happened quite often.

I was also a ambien sale wetter up to the age of 9, a sleepwalker, and I Ambien sale, talk in my sleep still to this day. Iim not sure if these things have anything to do with what I went through in the years to come or not.

Even as a young child I would sleep real late on weekends and in the summers. The only reason I didn't during the school year is because of my amazing parents. My dad worked a lot, so my mother is the one who had to deal with most of it. If I could change anything in my life, it would be to change what I put my poor parents through.

If I would have had any other set of parents, I would have for sure been an abused child. I really can't believe that they stuck it out for all of those years and never gave up. There is only so much a person can take before giving up, even if it is giving up on your own child.

On school days they ambien cr pic not give up, they HAD to get ambien cr pic to school. Even in elementary school, ambien sale was a fight every single day between ambien sale mom and ambien cr pic monster she would have to Ambien sale, face every morning while trying to wake me up. But my high school years were much worse. She would start waking me up long before she should have had ambien sale She would start by coming downstairs to my room, sit on the edge of my bed saying my name over and over "Sarah, Sarah, it's time to get up, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah." On and on. I bet she would say my name a good 30 times before I would even realize she was there and be Ambien sale, able to give her any type of response at all. I might have groaned or moved, but I was still out cold. This would go on for a while and she would get louder and louder. Sometimes I could hear her doing this, but it was as if I were in a coma. Not being able to open my eyes or talk, no ambien sale how hard I would try.

It was almost exhausting to Ambien buy no online prescription, me to try so hard to respond to her that by Ambien sale - the time I would be able to say anything, I would yell "I AM UP!!!" Now if any normal person would yell like that, I don't think there is any way they would be able to go back to sleep, but 5 seconds ambien cr pic I was out like a light. Right back into that deep deep sleep and she would have to start all over again. "Sarah, Sarah, Sarah....." I don't think anyone has had their name said to them as many times as I have had mine said to me.

When she would finally get me Ambien buy no online prescription - out of bed, the whole house and I'm sure the neighborhood knew it. ambien sale would fly out of bed, yell Ambien sale, at her that I was awake, storm around the room, throw things or whatever. I hated her, I hated mornings, I hated my life, I wanted to die. I would have her convinced that I was ambien sale and going to stay up, so she would leave, and the second I knew she was gone, I was back in bed and back to sleep. My mom talks about how she would sit at the top of the steps crying because of what she had to go through. She would then start all over again. Ambien sale : The more she did it, the more mean I would get. When I would Ambien sale, come to again, I would feel my blood boil, and go on rampage after rampage. I thank God that I never Ambien sale, hurt her during one of these mornings of pure Hell that I put her through. She would calmly walk out of my room, knowing full well that she would most likely have to come back and wake me up again.

My little brother learned at a very young age to stay Ambien sale : as far away from me as he could when he knew I was up. When he was real little I would wake him up while yelling at my mom when she was trying to get me up for school.

I missed so much school, even in grade school. I knew more tricks than any other kid I knew. Ambien sale - But in reality, I wasn't pretending I was sick, I really was sick. Every morning I really would ambien cr pic sick. My back hurt, I would have a headache, my head would be stuffed ambien sale my whole body felt like I had been hit by a bus. I would feel this way for hours after I actually woke up.

ADULTHOODoHAVING A BABY

My first job was a waitressing job. ambien sale The only reason Ambien buy no online prescription, I was nervous about the interview was because I was scared they were going to tell me I had to work an early shift. My shift ended up starting at 11:00 am. I knew it wouldn't work. I was ambien sale every day. But not only that, people would ask me for more coffee Ambien sale - or whatever Ambien sale, and I wouldn't remember to bring it to them until they had asked for their check 2 or 3 times. I wasn't fully awake until about 2:00 PM or later. I couldn't think clearly and I would feel sick up to the time I would feel fully awake. Needless to say, I failed as a waitress. I was told that I would fail at everything I would ever try to do, because I couldn't get my lazy butt out of bed.

I ended up quitting school ambien sale going to an alternative school where I only had to go once a week and pick up my work so I could work independently at home. I got pregnant at the age of 17, when I was still working part time as a waitress and going to school. I decided to place the baby for adoption. How would I ever be able to raise a child when I failed at everything else in my life?

I had the baby and decided Ambien buy no online prescription, to keep him. I promised my parents that I would move out and raise him on my own. I'm sure this made my parents worry, wondering how I would wake up ambien cr pic the baby. Even at first when I was still living at home, I would have to sleep with my mother with the baby in her room, so she could wake me up to feed and change him, because I wouldn't hear him. Ambien sale : It must have killed her to watch us move out, knowing that I wouldn't wake up with my baby.

When I couldn't have my brother, who was only 10 at the time, stay over to parent my baby while I would sleep, I was on my own. I scared him into keeping it a secret that I still suffered from this.

I would ambien sale Ambien sale, to bed at 9:00 PM and wake up at about 9:00 AM with my baby, crabby, but I was up. I would go back to bed as soon as I could get Ambien sale : him back to sleep. I always bragged about what a good baby he Ambien sale - was, and how he slept through the night at such a young age. But ambien sale reality, I'm sure he woke up and cried for long periods at a time and I just slept through it. I do remember hearing him many times and not being able to get to him. I would think about this when I would finally get up with him the next day and see the Ambien buy no online prescription, happiest baby in the world. Hungry and soaked to the bone, but happy nevertheless. I know the reason he was always so happy was because he was just so ambien sale that his mom finally got up for him. It kills me to think ambien sale what he went through all of those long lonely nights crying for someone to come help him, change him, feed him, but most of all just be there for him and love him, but, there was no one. Until I met Shane.

My baby was 8 months old when Shane and I Ambien buy no online prescription, moved in together. ambien sale He would do everything in his power to wake me up before he would go to work every Ambien sale - day. We had a friend living with us who worked with Shane. While one was in the shower the other one would say my name over and over and over. They would tell me things like there was a fire or even worse that my mom was there, just to get me to respond to them. I was so ashamed of myself and did everything to hide it from my parents that I wasn't waking up for my baby. It Ambien sale - still didn't matter, I wouldn't get up. Sometimes I would Ambien buy no online prescription - have them convinced that I was up, but as soon as the ambien sale shut, I was back to sleep.

The fire alarm ambien sale gone off many times from burning toast or whatever, and most of the time I didnit hear it, but if I did hear it, I didn't care because of the state of mind I was in Ambien sale - while asleep (or in-and-out of sleep), and couldnit wake up enough to get up to see if it was a real fire or not. If we would ever have ambien sale a fire, I wouldnit be here today. I was Ambien sale - sleeping and that alone was more powerful than my willingness to get up and save my own life or the lives of my children. If I would have died, I would have died a happy person because I would have been sleeping.

LIFE OF SHAME

I lived a life of shame. Ambien sale - I would lie to everyone I ambien cr pic to deal with on a daily basis. Everything I lied about was because of sleep. I would sleep through Dr appointments, phone calls, neighbors pounding on my door because they thought my baby was alone, being late or missing work or school. I would lie. If my mom would call just to make ambien sale I was awake and I wouldnit answer the phone, I would tell her I was at the park with my baby or went to the store. She finally made me give her a key to my apartment after she had time and time again pounded on my door, hearing my baby crying and my never waking up for any of it.

I got my Ambien sale - GED and went onto pet grooming school. This was a real tough time for me. I would wake up at noon or later and call the school giving them some lame excuse as to why I wasn't there. I ended up going part time in the evenings, which took me ambien sale as long to finish school. I got pregnant again, so now I had another baby that was going to be neglected when Shane wasn't there to take care of him.

Shane said I was a good person and mother when I was awake, but would turn into Satan when I woke up.

We separated shortly after we were married for a year. Ambien buy no online prescription - The boys were 1 and 3 years old at the time. I think this was the toughest time of all dealing with my sleep problem, or as everyone else put it, "my laziness."

I made 2 very special friends during this time period and if it weren't for ambien cr pic and my mother I know my kids would have been taken away from me by social services. They would do whatever they needed to do to make sure my Ambien sale - boys would have someone there as much as they could. But I would get lectured about how I needed to take care of my boys and grow up and become a mother to them. I was so ashamed of myself that I would lie even more and tell them that I was all of a sudden waking up on my own and make them all believe that everything was OK. ambien sale would go on for a few days or so, until one of them would come over at 2:00 in the afternoon and find me sleeping with my house destroyed and the kids running free.

CHILD-PROOFING THE HOUSE

My house ambien cr pic very very child proof, even though the children got into many things. Cleaning supplies, knives, scissors, and other things were put out of reach, out of sight, or locked up. I put covers over the outlets in their bedroom. I took the knobs off the oven, and many more things. Every day I tried ambien sale make everything safer for the boys, because they would try to find something ambien sale to get into ambien sale a daily basis. One day I woke up to find the hamster eating marshmallows, ambien cr pic and popsicles. Another day there were eggs, bacon bits and mayo smeared into the carpet and the vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Another time there was about a gallon of water spilled on ambien sale and my bed, baby oil, loose powder makeup, lip stick, shaving cream, and diaper rash ambien cr pic all over the walls, ambien cr pic me, and my bed. They would write on the walls, carpet, the tub, the toilet, and on each other and on me with permanent marker. I would ambien sale through it all. They would jump on my bed, cry, yell, beg me to get up and feed them, and I would sleep through it all. For hours and hours.

My 3 year old decided to shave his face one day. He cut himself. I lied to people about how it happened.

One time there was a spilled baby bottle of Ambien buy no online prescription - milk in the oven. My 3 year old said he was trying to feed the baby. Ambien sale - Thank God the oven knobs were hidden. Another time a lady from Social Services was standing in my upstairs bedroom doorway yelling my name to wake me up. Ambien sale - The 3 year old had let her in. She was there for some financial assistance help I had asked for making sure my husband didn't still live there, but I lived in fear all the time that one day they would come for my kids because the neighbors would hear them cry for hours every morning and into the afternoons. Another time I found little boot foot prints in the snow on the front step.

None of these things was enough to make me get my ilazy behindi out of bed the next day. The only thing it did was help me wise up and figure out better ways to hide the lie ambien sale was living. It got to the point to where I put ambien sale lock on the outside of the kidsi bedroom door, so they wouldn't get hurt in the rest of the house. This makes me sick thinking about it. I made my kids live like animals because I wouldn't (couldn't) Ambien sale, wake up. They would be stuck in their room ambien sale the time they went to bed at 9:00 PM Ambien buy no online prescription, until sometime in the afternoon the next day. They were both still in diapers. ambien sale by the time I would get to them, they would have their soaked diapers torn up all over the room. Every ambien sale of clothing was out of their dresser and thrown all over their room, their ambien cr pic were on the other side of the room, and they would have to use the carpet or the heat vent for a toilet. They would lay on their backs kicking the door and crying for me for I don't even know how long. They started picking at the sheetrock on the walls.

Thinking about all of ambien sale now, Ambien sale - I think about what my poor kids Ambien buy no online prescription, went through and can't believe they aren't scarred for life, Ambien sale - but ambien cr pic the time, when I would wake up, I wasn't sad for them, I was IRATE at what THEY HAD DONE, and furious with them for making such a mess. I would treat them just like I treated my mom when she had ambien sale wake me up. I couldn't feel bad for them, that emotion was non-existent--the only Ambien buy no online prescription - thing I was able to feel was rage and my kids had to deal with that. When I would fully wake up and feel OK hours later, they would be forgiving, happy, loving kids and look at me like I was the best thing in their lives. It was real hard to get them to sleep at night and at the time I couldn't figure out why. They knew that they wouldn't see me for a good 12 hours ambien sale they gave in to sleep.

Telling me to just go to bed at a normal time or just put my alarm clock across the room so I would have to get out of bed to shut ambien sale off was like telling a drug addict to just quit or telling a blind man to just see.

I had at one Ambien sale : time 6 alarm clocks in my room. My mom would keep finding a new one that claimed to be the loudest alarm clock made and buy Ambien sale : it for me. Ambien sale, I would set all 6 and not hear one of them. I ambien sale a neighbor kid every Tuesday morning beginning at 6:00 AM for a whole school year. Even though he arrived every Tuesday morning, I never once knew he was there until later that day when I would ask his mother if he showed up. I told him to pour Ambien sale : water on me to wake me up. He did, but I never even moved. He is lucky I guess, otherwise he would have witnessed the wrath of Sarah.

ADDICTED TO SLEEP

My bed was like a drug. I would do anything to get back to it if I was forced to leave it. I wouldn't care who got in my way, who got hurt in the process, or who I had become during those episodes. One of the things I hated even ambien cr pic than hearing my name over and over was when someone would rip the covers off of Ambien buy no online prescription - me. Normally people learned their lesson ambien sale the first time they tried that. But Shane didn't care, with time he ambien sale numb to my lashing out and he would give it right back to me. This would just make things worse. I don't blame him, but at the time I wished he would just die.

When I was about 12, my parents tried to get help for me, but the Dr couldn't figure it out, so he focused on things not relevant to why we were there, so nothing was ever done about it.

I don't ever remember waking up in the middle of the night. I would sleep for hours and hours on end without waking up to go to the ambien cr pic or anything. When I was about 21, a Dr told me to drink 8 glasses of water before I went to bed, that way I would have to get up to use the bathroom. It didnit work, and I wet the bed at the age of 21.

I don't ever remember waking up in a good mood, I remember waking up to happy kids, and looking at them like they were horrible for interrupting my sleep.

While Shane and I were separated is when I ambien sale rock bottom. My friends couldn't take it anymore, my mom was struggling with depression Ambien buy no online prescription - because of what I was doing to my life and the lives of my children, and I was about to lose my job. ambien cr pic many of my friends and neighbors wouldn't have anything to do with me anymore. My little brother was afraid to stay at my house because of what I would put everyone through when I would wake up. I had used everyone, lied to everyone and lost the little bit of respect that anyone was holding onto.

One of my friends said that I Ambien buy no online prescription - needed to get help, she didn't sugarcoat anything. I was going to lose everything if something didn't change.

Well, I would have never guessed in my wildest dreams that my life would change just by opening the Yellow Pages and looking up the word "sleep."

EVALUATION AT A SLEEP CENTER AND RESPONSE TO TREATMENT

I will never forget the day I met Dr Schenck. It was the beginning of my new life. None of us had ever dreamed that there was a Dr who would have been able to help me, much less tough it out and figure out my problem and find a treatment.

I went through ambien sale lot of testing ordered by Dr Schenck. This man Ambien sale - did not give up on me or just Ambien buy no online prescription - pass it off on some other problem like what had happened in the past with other doctors. He really did care and stuck it out until I was able to live a normal life.

I will never forget Ambien buy no online prescription - the first night on medication (long-acting Ritalin). I Ambien sale, was ambien sale excited to go to bed to see if it actually worked, but in the back of my mind I had a Ambien sale, lot of doubt. The first night was the happiest night of my whole entire life. During that night I woke Ambien sale - up 4 or 5 times for no reason. Ambien sale : Nothing woke me, I just woke up. The first couple of times, I was so happy that I woke Shane up to tell him. It was just too great of a feeling that I had to tell someone, I couldn't keep something that great all to myself. He would go back to sleep ambien sale I'd lay there and smile myself back to sleep. Much different than crying myself to sleep like I had done so many times before, partly because of shame and partly because of knowing what I would wake up to.

That next morning was a lot different. I woke up to Shane getting ready for work. And then the emotions kicked in. I felt confused, alone, scared, bored, happy, and maybe a little shocked. I had most likely NEVER been awake before Ambien sale - my boys. I didn't know how Ambien sale : they would react to me being there as soon as they woke up. I woke up to a clean house, I was happy and calm, not mad and hysterical. I realized that I had never sat in the morning sun in my house before. It was quiet. I didn't know what to do with myself, I really felt alone. It was too early to call my mom and tell her the good news. The boys slept real late, so all I could do was sit and watch the minutes pass on the clock.

I actually thought that I wasn't going to like this. How did people wake up at that time and stay sane? What did they do to keep themselves busy? How boring, I thought it was.

The boys got up and I did something that I hadn't done in a long time. I made them breakfast. Time passed and it ambien cr pic take long for the bad feelings to go away. Now, I like to wake up early because there isn't enough time in a day.

Today I live a normal life, I am able to wake up at the first buzz of the alarm clock and I have the volume turned way down low. I am able to wake up for my kids if they have a bad dream, I am able to get to work on time, I am a normal person at last. Thank you, Dr. Schenck.

The people who went through this with me, I know they ambien sale I was taking advantage of them, irresponsible, lazy, and that I just didnit care about anybody besides myself.

They saw it from the outside, and went through many hard times with me, but I lived it. It hurt in so many ways. I Ambien sale, felt anger, guilt, confusion, alone, and worthless. All of that, along with worrying about how I was going to wake up the next day.

I hated the fact that people treated me like a child, even thought they had every reason to do so. I hated the fact that I would ambien cr pic to have Mom or Tina come over to wake me up.

I have trained myself to not wake up too much. Like if I just have to go to the bathroom, I can usually get back to sleep. I guess it's like a line that I can't cross and if I do cross the line, I will be awake for the rest of the night. It only works if I just have to get up for something small, and only if I don't have a lot on my mind.

I am now a morning person and go to bed usually no later than 10 or 11. I wake up about 7:00 AM, put my shoes on right away and can't sit still till I go to bed at night.

When I wake up from a nap, it usually takes almost what it did from the person waking me up, as it used to. ambien cr pic And I feel the same as I did back too. But there are times ambien cr pic I wake up on my own from a nap. That would have never happened back then!

I want to thank GOD for giving me all of these people. My Mom, for being the strongest woman on Earth, Shane, my Dad, and my brother, for never giving up on ambien sale Tina for being such a good Mom to my boys and to me, and Dr. Schenck, for giving me a new life and for always showing me that ambien sale really cared. My Mom thanks you too! But most of all, my boys, for their unconditional love.

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